Let’s face it. There are times in life when a cheap shot is not only acceptable, but is a moral imperitive. Now, how good of an actor are you? Me? I can pull the wool over many eyes, and that’s part of what makes me really good at being really bad. Listen close. Come closer. Now, I’m just going to whisper the secret… Bam! There goes your nuts!

People are the strangest creatures on the face of this, or probably any other, planet. Many of them will do things just because you ask them to. Take the villain of our story – Uber Asshole. He faces off against the hero – Action Man! Coming soon to a theater near you. Uber pushes Action Man into a wall, yelling vulgar insults and making physically improbable suggestions. However, Action Man is a Fearless Fighter. He’s tough. He’s also not stupid. He just got backed into a wall by Uber, who outweighs him by at least 60 pounds. Time to use…

Dirty Fighting Tactic #1: Tell them to stop!
No, I’m not kidding. Remember what I said earlier, about people doing things you ask them to? Here’s how it works. You put your hands up, keeping your elbows pointed down. Slightly avert your eyes and duck your head a bit. This is giving off many physical signs of backing down. It’s also keeping your eyes, neck, chin and ribs well protected, while keeping your hands in the right position to do some very bad things. Then, in a somewhat panicked but very loud voice, yell “Stop!” Unless the fists have already started to fly, and sometimes even then, people will usually stop. If nothing else, they want to take a moment to enjoy your “fear”, but in the end it’s a fairly standard reaction whatever the motivation. At this point, you glance up furtively, like you’re cowed and hoping to avoid an ass kicking. Start to say something. Anything. But right in the middle of what you’re saying, one of your hands shoots forward and does what any good hand would do at this point. Knock the shit out of Uber Asshole! An eye poke works wonders. So does a thumb to that area of the throat just under the Adam’s apple. Remember that these attacks can be dangerous – use at your own risk. If you don’t want to risk permanently disabling Uber, a softer poke to the eye generally ruins someone’s day and has a lesser chance of them ending up in the hospital. Here’s the wonderful thing: when someone is poked in the eye, they almost always bring one or both hands up to cover their face. Now they can’t see at all! This is the time to show your appreciation of everything they’ve done for you. If they’re well trained, they may actually keep their hands in a good fighting position, but 9 out of 10 won’t. Even the ones who keeps their hands in the right spot will be hurt, and have diminished sight until their eye(s) stop watering.

Don’t stand around admiring your work, beautiful though it may be. What does your favorite football team do after scoring a touchdown? That’s right! They kick for the extra point! Show your support of modern sports and make sure to get your extra point, too.

Dirty Fighting Tactic #2: The finger
People who are trying to intimidate (especially big people) are really fond of putting their hands on those they seek to bring low. What happens when this is tried on Action Man? Let’s find out.

Uber Asshole sees Action Man talking to a girl he likes, and decides to show this girl how secure he is in his manhood by pushing Action Man around. He stomps up behind Action Man, grabs him by the shoulder and spins him around, pushing a large, meaty finger into his chest. More profanity. More physically improbable suggestions. As he stabs his finger at Action Man again, Action grabs the finger and twists sharply, bending it upwards while pulling his arm down. Uber Asshole realizes that he’s had a long day, and it would feel much better to kneel on the ground awhile. As Action applies more pressure, Uber thinks he might actually want to just lay down for a bit.

Fingers break really easily. You don’t have to put much pressure on them to ruin someone’s day. Even if they put their hand on your shoulder or something like that, it’s often easy to grab the hand. You only need 1 or 2 fingers, or even better, the thumb, and you’ve got control of the person they belong to. If you don’t know anything about applying pressure to people’s fingers and wrists, it’s definitely worth it to you to get some instruction. Joint manipulation is an art that requires months and possibly years of training to get a high degree of skill. Luckily for us, bending fingers is easy and requires very little practice. Not everyone wants to be a martial arts master, but all Fearless Fighters want to give all the Uber Assholes out there the finger!