I recall, way back in grade school, one of the bigger kids was picking on me. Things progressed when I wouldn’t just take his abuse. He took a swing at me, I kicked him between the legs. He went down, calling foul, saying I was a “dirty fighter”. Was I fighting dirty? In the end I was standing and he wasn’t. Enough said.

No way, you say? Isn’t kicking someone in the family jewels considered fighting dirty? If you’re a competitive boxer or MMA fighter, then there are rules, and when you break them yes, you’re fighting dirty. That’s because those kind of fights, while brutal, are a sport. But in a real fight? Here is the next nugget of wisdom to help you not end up either in the hospital or the morgue: There is no such thing as fighting dirty in a real fight.

I’ve long been amused by the attitude in movies and TV shows, where the “bad guys” will throw dirt into their opponent’s eyes, grab rocks/sticks from the ground to use, gang up on the hero with their friends, or distract their opponent and hit when they’re not looking. Is this “bad guy” behavior? If so, I’m a baaaaaad man.

I mean, did I miss something? Did some god of fighting produce a handbook declaring what were acceptable means for defending yourself, and that some were dishonorable? What kind of crazy, self-destructive load of shit is that? If someone is trying to hurt you, the only rules involved are those you’ve imposed on yourself. Thought has to be given to the self-defense laws that exist wherever you live. That part is true. However, this doesn’t declare something as dirty – just illegal. For instance, if you don’t have a mark on you, your opponent is about your size, and you were caught beating him/her with a large stick while they were down, chances are you’re going to jail. And getting sued. Use common sense, and be aware of what you’re doing, but always remember: You have the right to defend yourself by any means necessary to prevent injury or death.

Also remember – you have to be able to make a case for the force you use later, so again, be aware of the self-defense laws wherever you are at the time you decide to bust out a case of whup-ass.

Here is the truth that you must understand: There is no such thing as a fair fight. Ever. Get over it. If two people are fighting, and they’re about the same size and build, others will declare it a fair fight (usually). Is it? No. Humans are funny creatures, and no two are born equal in all things. Some are born with faster reflexes or more natural athletic ability. Is that fair? It’s life. Understand it, accept it, and move along, nothing to see here. Even if you take out extreme cases, simple things, like how much sleep you had the night before can be factors in a fight. Your allergies might kick in and affect your breathing or sight. You might be fatigued from lack of sleep or stress. These are huge factors in a fight, where changes are measured in tenths of seconds.

There is no fairness to be found. You can cry about it, or you can simply man/woman up, and do the absolute best with what you’ve got at the time.

Miyamoto Musashi, who was arguably the greatest swordsman in history, understood this well. In one of his duels, he showed up late in order to anger and unbalance his opponent, and came in on a boat because the sun would be at his back at that time (and hence shining in his opponent’s eyes). Use your fighting skills, but use your brains as well.

Distract your opponent if you can. Putting your hands up, palms forward, in a warding-off pose will often make your opponent think you’re giving up. However, your hands are in the perfect position to both attack and defend. If you have weapons, use them. If you have friends, let them back you up. Unless you have a serious need to do a one on one with someone, don’t. I don’t care how good you are, you can always have an unlucky moment and get hurt or killed.

If you’re in a scuffle over some rash words that isn’t very serious, I strongly advise against using most of the things in this post. You probably don’t want to maim or kill someone just because you’re pissed at them at the time. If you do, you’re not welcome as a Fearless Fighter. I want to see people keep themselves safe. I do not encourage senseless violence or overkill.

That being said, if you’re facing a larger, stronger attacker, and you feel the need to open your bag of dirty tricks, where do you start? Be aware of your surroundings. If there’s something behind your attacker, you might be able to push them over it. If you’re getting backed into a corner, get out. If there are items you can use to defend yourself, get them. You need to be thinking about these things, and not about fear.

Realize that, no matter how big someone is, all humans have certain weaknesses. The biggies are: eyes, throat, groin. Hit any of these areas with a strong attack, and your attacker may decide to rethink things. REALIZE!!! Striking any of these areas is very likely to result in extreme injury or death. Do not use them if you’re not in serious danger. Even an eye poke can kill someone. There’s a nerve running from the eye to the brain, and striking it can cause a fatal shock.

If you must utiliize these types of attacks, do it smart. When poking the eyes, use a thumb or two fingers together. Do it hard. You might break a finger, but if you do it half-assed, your attacker may break your face. Any strike to the front or front/side of the throat is bound to be lethal. If you strike for this area, a palm strike, knife edge strike or hammer strike work better than a punch. If those strikes aren’t familiar to you, google is your friend. Hopefully I don’t need to provide detailed instruction on strikes to the groin, especially for the female readers. Hit it with anything, from most any angle, and the job is done. Just don’t look first or telegraph your move. A man protects his family jewels with more fervor than his life in many cases.

Knees and elbows are great places to reach out to your attacker’s sense of decency. It’s amazing, but if one of these breaks, your attacker often finds that they feel real and true regret for having bothered you. Knees are a lot easier to break than elbows in most cases. This is due to the weight resting on the knee. The best approach is to back away slightly, and wait for your attacker to step forward in pursuit. Keep your eyes on their eyes, your hands in position to defend. At the moment they step down, move forward and punch at their face. At the exact same time, stomp on their front knee. You’re not going for a karate snap kick. Think of stomping on bugs. The punch is just a diversion, but it’s got to be a good one. They won’t believe in a half-assed punch before your true attack, and you’ll likely mess it up. The knee doesn’t like to bend backwards very much, but it really doesn’t take much pressure to convince it to try.

If you get knocked to the ground, use it. Look for items or rocks you can use to help you out. get some dirt in your hand. DO NOT simply scoop up some dirt and leap up, throwing it at your attacker’s face. Remember, your average attacker is probably not going to be kind enough to let you stand up without comment, and that comment is likely to be a boot to the head. Say you land on your hands and knees. If the attacker is to your side, pull your shoulder up to your face to protect your head, pull your elbow up to protect your ribs. If the attacker is in front of you, move. Really fucking fast. You don’t want to get a soccer kick to the face. DO NOT try a cool-looking roll to get up. That looks great in the movies. In real life, it will get you killed.

You’ve heard “Never kick an opponent when they’re down”, right? Well, that’s not always the best advice. Let’s say you’re fighting someone considerably larger and stronger than you are, and you knocked them down, but they’re definitely not out. Do you wait for them to stand back up? Only if you decide that’s your best course of action to come out of the fight safely. If they’ve demonstrated good grappling skills, for instance, you probably don’t want to get tangled up on the ground. Chances are good that another kick or three will strongly discourage them from continuing their attack. If you don’t want to mess with them on the ground, use the opportunity to grab a weapon, or run.

Remember, fighting isn’t about looking cool. Fighting isn’t about proving a point. Fighting is about violence, pure and simple, and in the end there are only two types of fighters: Those who walk away and those who get carried away.